McDonald’s® Introduces Spicesurance to Celebrate Launch of New Spicy Chicken McNuggets®
Tastiest coverage plan around lets customers add six free Spicy or classic Chicken McNuggets to their order of new, first-ever U.S. McNuggets flavor innovation
(CHICAGO, IL; September 15, 2020) – We heard you want to try our new Spicy Chicken McNuggets when they hit restaurants nationwide later this week. Are you ready to add even more heat to your order? Or, maybe you aren’t entirely sure that spice is for you but you want to try anyway? Either way, we’ve got you covered.
Introducing Spicesurance. For one day only – Wednesday, September 16 – when you order a 6 piece Spicy Chicken McNuggets through our App, you can add Spicesurance for six additional McNuggets free of charge. Here’s how it works:
- Download the McDonald’s App and select either of the below Spicesurance coverage plans with your 6 piece Spicy Chicken McNuggets order (limit one per order):
- Six additional Spicy Chicken McNuggets: Think you can handle the heat? You can enjoy the perks of Spicesurance with six more Spicy Chicken McNuggets on us.
- Six additional classic Chicken McNuggets: A little on the fence? We’ve got you covered with six of your original favs, risk-free. No added cost involved.
That’s it. No, seriously. That’s all there is to this. Ok, you might want to take a “quick” read through the offer’s Fine Print* for the full ins and outs of Spicesurance to be safe. Better have your reading glasses handy! Don’t want to read all nearly 9,000 words? You can watch it instead!
This is the first flavor change to our classic Chicken McNuggets in the U.S. since their 1983 debut, so we have a feeling you’ll be craving more Spicy Chicken McNuggets. From September 22 – September 28, McDelivery on Uber Eats will give fans a free 10 piece Spicy Chicken McNuggets with a $20 minimum purchase to keep the spicy celebration rolling**.
See everyone Wednesday, September 16, for Spicy Chicken McNuggets and Mighty Hot Sauces’ nationwide arrival.
** Expires 9/28. Taxes, Delivery Fee and a Service Fee still apply. Discount for the eligible menu item price will be applied to order. Discount does not apply to taxes and fees. Order min before taxes and fees. Cannot be combined. See the Uber Eats app for details and availability.
*McDonald’s USA Spicesurance Fine Print (ALL of it)
Spicesurance is 6 extra Chicken McNuggets® – either spicy or classic – given to a McDonald’s customer when they order a 6 piece Spicy Chicken McNuggets on the McDonald’s App on September 16, 2020. This order will provide the customer with a surge of pride, joy and courage as they expand the experiences of their own life. Otherwise known as “trying something new.”
McDonald’s has always given you the tender, juicy, crispiness you crave with our Chicken McNuggets. With the release of the new cayenne pepper and chili-infused Spicy Chicken McNuggets, things have been turned up a notch. This is also subjective phrasing. As such, you won’t know where these fall on your spice spectrum (that is, your personal perception of spice), until you try them.
These 6 extra Chicken McNuggets (again, either spicy or classic) are provided as insurance for the consumer in the off-chance that the extra kick of flavor in Spicy Chicken McNuggets proves too little or too much for them. McDonald’s would never overwhelm intentionally. McDonald’s seeks to provoke gleeful shouts of “NEW SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGETS?!” from car windows.
It is the intention and aim of McDonald’s that the consumer of Spicy Chicken McNuggets experience their eyes becoming cartoon hearts with a cartoon chili pepper inside one and a cartoon cayenne pepper inside the other.
This Spicesurance document lays out, in specific detail and with great clarity, the rights of the spice-seeker, as it pertains to their enjoyment and savoring of the tender, crispy, specially flavored McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets. Spicesurance is McDonald’s effort to cover every possible eventuality so that a good time for the spice-seeker may be had. This document will also relay the limitations of those rights while providing the spice-seeker the spice satisfaction they crave, followed by a light chuckle or delighted exclamation of the word “oooh.”
By reading this Spicesurance document, you are agreeing that spice is subjective (as in affected by personal experiences with and views on heat), and Chicken McNuggets, spicy or not, have the innate ability to turn your day around. Bad hair day? Chicken McNuggets. Slept through an alarm? Chicken McNuggets. Any additional scenarios can be found in the addendum to this addendum, not addendum-ed here.
All parties seeking or wishing to partake, understand, explain to others, simply know enough to show-off or stay culturally relevant, or those who only desire to know enough so they don’t look foolish on social media, shall find information contained herein to grasp, in its entirety, the concept, heretofore known and following into perpetuity as, Spicesurance.
SECTION ONE: DEFINITIONS WE DEEM HELPFUL AND HOPE YOU WILL ALSO
This section seeks to enlighten all who participate in and/or enjoy Spicesurance with a full understanding of terms associated with the delicious taste of McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets. Terms may be amended, and/or added to, at any point with slang terms created by the general public, as they are catchier and more fun to say. Some possible new slang terms for Spicy Chicken McNuggets may include: Spicy BockBocks, Kicky Chickys, or Hotsie Hotsie Fire Nuggets.
From here on out, the Spicesurance claimee or “customer” may also be known by the following additional labels as seen in this document: “procurer”, “spice-seeker”, “spice-luster”, “the person with Spice on their mind”, “the McNugget Eater”, “Kevin”, “Lisa”, “Mary,” “Felicia” or any other name. Familial terms such as “Momma” or “Brother” may be used in real life but will not be used herewithin.
The word “herewithin” may also be known by the following additional labels as seen in this document: “this,” “here,” “right here,” “coming up,” “coming ON up,” “as you’ll see,” and “lookey here.”
Lookey here, this document will also employ the use of the “herewithin” style phrase which allows for a combination of terms into one term, such as, but not limited to, phrases such as “thereforif,” “whichwillfor,” “thenasalso,””wasinthrough” and “forintooaswell.”
DEFINITION 1: What is a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget?
A McDonald’s Chicken McNugget is a good time in a container that gives you the supreme level of taste. It is also the highest standard of nugget.
The McDonald’s Chicken McNugget (hereafter known as a “Classic McNugget”) is the end-all be-all, of chicken nugget. This is NOT subjective as there is no evidence to prove otherwise.
If a psychologist were to give a human the exercise to say the first word that comes to mind when hearing nugget, the Respondent would say McDonald’s Chicken McNugget or if not, and cranial imagery scans were available at the time, they would, no matter what word was said, without a doubt, be thinking of the image of a juicy, tender McDonald’s Chicken McNugget.
DEFINITION 2: What is a McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNugget?
A McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNugget is the first-ever new type of McDonald’s Chicken McNugget in the U.S. created to thrill current Chicken McNugget Fans. Similar to the Classic Chicken McNugget, in half-name but full shape, the Spicy Chicken McNugget has all the usual deliciousness of the Classic Chicken McNugget with an extra kick. Like a dancer who is twice as happy. Chicken McNugget Eaters who enjoy a slight cayenne and chili kick will benefit from the consumption of the brand new Spicy Chicken McNugget and will see the horizons of their lives expand in ways that will include hobbies, acquaintances and styles of greetings not yet invented.
DEFINITION 3: What is Mighty Hot Sauce?
Mighty Hot Sauce is a sauce of similar concept to the Spicy Chicken McNugget, invented to expand the newfound delight even further. McDonald’s believes the customer will experience an expanded sense of jubilation. As many know, Chicken McNuggets are optimized with the inclusion of a dipping sauce. Spicy Chicken McNuggets are no exception. Mighty Hot Sauce is a new McDonald’s dipping sauce which also has a slight bump (as in a fist bump at a wedding from an adorable and/or elderly cousin) of heat to it (heat in this context refers to flavor and not temperature though Spicy Chicken McNuggets also are cooked and so have temperature heat as well). We acknowledge that the word “Mighty” is subjective in nature and has no quantifiable means of being assessed. However, in unofficial tests conducted in a closed-system environment, there have been zero cases of dispute to the word Mighty as it relates to the spicy dipping sauce therefore we can declare that it is, indeed, mighty, and not to be mistaken for salad dressing or used to prank your parents, a sibling, or really anyone in your family.
DEFINITION 4: In the context of Chicken McNuggets, what is eating?
For the purposes of a Chicken McNugget, eating herein is defined as grasping a Chicken McNugget with an extremity of one’s choosing and moving said Chicken McNugget in a single motion, rigid, fluid or otherwise toward the mouth of the face. Once placed into mouth some form of chewing by Chicken McNugget Eater should commence. The Spicy Chicken McNugget, being a new and inviting taste, may instill in the Chicken McNugget Eater an over eagerness to chew too quickly.
This is not recommended.
However, it should be noted that everyone gets it and has been there too.
DEFINITION 5: In the context of Chicken McNuggets, what is drinking?
Though Spicesurance does not include a drink, the extra spicy kick of the cayenne and chili pepper may warrant buying one. It is therefore worth defining this concept. A drink includes anything liquid with or without ice that is served in a cylinder sealed at one end, (hereafter termed “cup”) and is able to be processed by the organs of the human body. A drink is also known as a beverage. If you refer to a drink as “the fizzie fizzie” or say “malk” instead of milk, that still does not alter the reality that the liquid is in fact a drink. To further clarify, a drink is something you imbibe without chewing. If the Eater drinks the sauces included in the Spicesurance agreement, that is up to the discretion of the insured, however that does not change the fact that while it is a liquid, the sauce remains a sauce and does not become a drink regardless of its misuse. Holding the sauce container like a cup and declaring oneself quenched does not count.
Sauce as a beverage is asking sauce to do a job which sauce was not originally intended to do. We do not know if this bothers sauce or if sauce finally feels seen and has been dreaming of being a beverage all this time. It is our belief that sauce, if it must decide between beverage and food, would dance with the one which brought it, which we can all agree is the Chicken McNugget.
If the Eater proclaims “I am drinking in this Chicken McNugget experience” that is the insured using the word “drink” in a completely other form. In a way it is correct that the Chicken McNuggets, in this form, are functioning as drinks, but it also implies that the eyes are functioning as mouths, which is just weird.
DEFINITION 6: What is Spicesurance?
Spicesurance is the opportunity for any and all Chicken McNugget Eaters to, without caution or timidity, try at least one 6 piece order of McDonald’s new Spicy Chicken McNuggets. If the Chicken McNugget Eater thinks that Spicy Chicken McNuggets will be a pleasant drop-kick to their palate, a flavor enticement that only creates a yearning for more of said Spicy Chicken McNuggets, then Spicesurance allows said Chicken McNugget Eater to enjoy an additional six (6) Spicy Chicken McNuggets not dependent on further financial obligation (also known as “free”).
However, should any Chicken McNugget Eater think Spicy Chicken McNuggets may be too sizzling compared to their Classic Chicken McNugget eating palates, then said Chicken McNugget Eater may instead get an additional six (6) Classic Chicken McNuggets, also not dependent on further financial obligation (see again also known as “free”).
Spicesurance thereforeandfurthermore ensures that any and every Chicken McNugget Eater, shall be allowed a measure of guaranteed happiness when it comes to their Chicken McNugget Eating.
While Spicesurance does provide the opportunity to experience the sublime in trying Spicy Chicken McNuggets for the first time, it does not provide other McDonald’s-related ephemera including but not limited to: a personal PlayPlace, Happy Meal Toys, MacCoins, McNugget Buddy tattoos, the big red shoes belonging to Ronald, or high fives from Mayor McCheese.
The intention of Spicesurance is to introduce the skeptical to the wonderful. More precisely, Spicesurance is to use a familiar and loved food to expand the areas of the tongue in which it generates a response. Insofar as the insured is unfamiliar with the tongue it can be explained with the following diagram labeled Diagram 10.
Spicesurance will cover any and all areas of your tongue that feel aflame. The tongue-flame would be a metaphorical and unquantifiable result of biting into the Spicy Chicken McNugget. Though you may feel fire tongue, in no way should this be misconstrued as you morphing into a dragon. This is not a thing and McDonald’s is not liable for any such human to mythical creature transformation. Additionally, McDonald’s is not liable for any laundry expenses resulting from a sloppy dousing of the tongue with an icy cold beverage accompanying the Spicy Chicken McNuggets.
On the other end of the spectrum, Spicesurance will also cover any and all areas of your tongue that feel as cool as a summer breeze even after consuming six Spicy Chicken McNuggets.
Not due to a lack of heat, but rather, your built-up tolerance of said heat. As such, we will not dive into cold and ice-related metaphors in great detail.
If you have been waiting for Spicy Chicken McNuggets all your life, you may finally feel fulfilled and ready to ride off into these, which we frequently forget are also technically fire since that’s what the sun is made of. Please peruse the following sunset related exhibits.
SECTION TWO: USING SPICESURANCE
In order to illustrate how one may take advantage of Spicesurance, it may be helpful to participate in a small visualization using the attached legal disclaimer puppets found in Appendix C.
This interaction is also applicable to drive-thru orders. Drive thru puppets and set maybe found in Appendix E.
SECTION THREE: EATING A SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET
In order to allow a truly objective judgment of this craveable, new, spicy twist on the original Chicken McNugget that you love so much, it is imperative that the Spicy Chicken McNugget purchaser takes a moment to clear their head of all impediments or distractions. Good headspace is an important part of a good life. It is not recommended for a customer to partake in the new Spicy Chicken McNuggets while under extreme distraction. Therefore, Spicesurance is null and void if the Spicy Chicken McNuggets are consumed while skydiving – a practice that is known in certain circles as Spice Diving. It is also not valid if the Spicy Chicken McNuggets are consumed on any of the 109 mountains in the world whose elevations are greater than 23,622 feet – a practice known as High-Spicing. HangSpicing, ScubaSpicing and ParaSpicing are also prohibited. The act of feeding Spicy Chicken McNuggets to members of the international intelligence community or “SpySpicing” is allowed but McDonald’s does not take responsibility for any large international conflicts that may arise.
As far as techniques to consuming Spicy Chicken McNuggets go, spice-lusters are free to consume in whatever method feels right for them. Some manners of consumption available are, but are not limited to:
The Scoop’n’Pop – in this mannerism, a Chicken McNugget Eater would quickly scoop up a Chicken McNugget from a tray or plate and quickly pop it as one whole entity into their mouth.
The Baby Kitten – in this mannerism, much like a baby kitten playfully nibbles on fingers or toes or elbows, our Chicken McNugget Eater would hover the Chicken McNugget a few millimeters from the mouth and sporadically take miniscule nibbles from each individual Chicken McNugget. To note: This Act of Consumption is common for those Chicken McNugget Eaters trying Spicy Chicken McNuggets for the first time and who may have more uncertainty about how comfortable they are with levels of spice.
The Parlor Magician – a mannerism coined due to the basic magic trick of sawing a person in half, this Act of Consumption is defined by the Chicken McNugget Eater grasping a Chicken McNugget and prior to putting it into their mouth, instead ripping it in half into two, distinct, while not necessarily entirely equal pieces. Chicken McNugget Eater would then eat each half of the Chicken McNugget in successive fashion.
The Parabola – when Chicken McNugget Eaters deftly and accurately calculate the parabolic path from one of their hands to their mouths, and so via a flick of the wrist can successfully toss a Chicken McNugget from the hand to the mouth, this Act of Consumption is called The Parabola.Or, for the more astute Chicken McNugget Eater, this is also known as the Menaechmus Method, based, of course, on the Greek Mathematician who worked with parabolas.
The Tine Time – for any and all Chicken McNugget Eaters who use an actual fork, or any other specified or unspecified utensil, to bring Chicken McNuggets to the mouth. This mannerism also applies, though used sparingly, if Chicken McNuggets are consumed in any manner while watching old episodes of That One Show or That One Other Show.
New acts of Chicken McNugget Consumption may be introduced at any time annotated once witnesses corroborate that a Chicken McNugget was eaten in a way that they had never seen before.
The last known case of this was in April 2018, when one Chicken McNugget Eater, whose name for the purposes of this document is “Tomas Lender”, was at a Skate Park with his friends in New Brunswick, Maine. “Tomas” skated past a friend’s tray of Chicken McNuggets and without using his hands squatted down and with only his mouth, removed a Chicken McNugget from the tray and consumed it while performing a kickflip. This Act of Consumption became known as the “ChickFlip” (or the “Hey Look Over There”) and is now a well-known way for a Chicken McNugget Eater to consume Chicken McNuggets.
SECTION FOUR: REACTING TO A SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET
After the first McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNugget is consumed it is recommended that the Consumer or “Eater” in common day usage, takes a moment to assess their reaction and convey this reaction with sound. Oftentimes, after assessing their reaction to the Spicy Chicken McNugget, an appropriate form of sound production is a bilabial nasal noise – meaning the consumer would close their lips and block all sound from exiting said lips so that the sound is produced in the nose. Producing an “mm” sound. This “mm” sound can be used in many different ways. For example…”Mmmmm” or “Mmmmmm?” or a quick grunty “Mmm!” These noises may also be used in combination. Such as “Mmmmmm. Mmmmm?” or “Mmmmm? Mmm-mmm!” or even a “Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!”
The Buyer also reserves the right to set it off [snap]. Such forms of expression include but are not limited to: Yips, Whoos, slow clapping, fast clapping, middle-velocity clapping, golf clapping, a short “okaaaay” under their breath.
In the event that you are rendered speechless by the surprising taste punch of the aforementioned Spicy Chicken McNuggets, it is recommended that you alert the nearest person or statue of your temporary speechlessness. Ways of indicating that you are speechless include but are not limited to: waving at them; pointing to your mouth and shrugging your shoulders; opening said mouth and showing that nothing is coming out of it; blank stare, blanker stare or blankest stare; attempting to form some sort of noise, “UHHHHHHHH” or “ARGGHHHH” being suggested; or simply sitting back and enjoying the state of speechlessness.
It is worth noting that these reactions can, of course, be dependent on your personal spice tolerance.
SECTION FIVE: RULES AND CONDITIONS
By redeeming Spicesurance, the Buyer grants McDonald’s bragging rights for getting someone who knows and loves Chicken McNuggets to try Spicy Chicken McNuggets.
In attaining these bragging rights, McDonald’s may attempt to add Spicy Chicken McNuggets to the dictionary definitions of “delicious,” “delectable,” and “fire,” but only when the latter is used as an adjective.
The Buyer assumes full responsibility for the shipment of McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets from their original packaging to the Buyer’s mouth for chewing.
INSTALLATION AND ACCEPTANCE
Spicesurance does not cover the Buyer in the event they try to use McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets as an installation in their homes. The New McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets are not load-bearing and the Buyer must accept that.It is considered dangerous to use McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets in ways they were not originally designed for including but not limited to:
- Putting Spicy Chicken McNuggets up as wall art
- Setting a Spicy Chicken McNugget on a stack of papers to keep them from blowing in the wind
- Wireless earbuds
- Garden stones
- Ice cubes
- A smart speaker
- A plain ol’ speaker
- A security camera
- Heated spa stones they place on your back during a relaxing massage
- AA batteries
- AAA batteries
- C & D batteries
And though McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets do have enough kick to power items that take 9 volt batteries, it is only for short, almost imperceptible, amounts of time. Such usage is therefore highly frowned upon and incredibly messy.
If one or more of these crossed your mind at consideration for purchase, it bears repeating that only the “spicy” in Spicy Chicken McNuggets is up for subjective interpretation.
McDonald’s Spicesurance is a one-time offer and as such can only be redeemed once, on September 16, 2020. One defined as a number that is two less than the number three. Two is defined as a number that is four less than six. Six (6) is defined as the number of Spicy Chicken McNuggets that come in a 6 piece order of Spicy Chicken McNuggets. In the event that there is a fancy mathematician out there who tries to make trouble by declaring that one is actually not a number but is, instead, the seed from which all other numbers grow…we see you, we hear you… but now is not the time.
If you attempt to use Spicesurance more than once please ask yourself the following questions: What am I really trying to do here? Didn’t I learn the first time? What’s wrong with me that I would need more than one attempt to decide if Spicy Chicken McNuggets are for me? Do I think McDonald’s was born yesterday? Was I born yesterday? And if I was born yesterday, how am I already able to read considering that I am only one day old?
After using Spicesurance (just once), congratulate yourself on accomplishing a task well done. You may cross that off your bucket list. Time to move on to other items that you may have on there such as dancing with a bear or meeting your soulmate. Perhaps you meet your soulmate while using Spicesurance. Perhaps your soulmate works at McDonald’s. Thereforeandbecauseofwith, McDonald’s hereby extends an additional promotional offer that if a McNugget Eater does, indeed, find their soulmate while redeeming their Spicesurance, McDonald’s will consider hosting this wedding of soulmates at a McDonald’s of their choosing and cater the wedding with an assortment of both classic and Spicy Chicken McNuggets. Said wedding catering will not be subject to Spicesurance unless said wedding takes place on September 16, 2020 and the catering order is placed through the McDonald’s App.
In the event that any technology anywhere in the world or, heck, just for safety, anywhere in the solar system acts up in any way, this offer will be void. Ways in which technology may be affected include but are not limited to: battery loss, water seepage, dog consumption, cat consumption, steamroller accident, accidental misremembering of passwords or just plain bad construction. In the event that the technology you are currently using to watch this legal disclaimer is stuck in reverse, I will now repeat that paragraph backwards.
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The Buyer reserves the right to cancel their McDonald’s new Spicy Chicken McNugget experience at any time. This includes, mid-grab, mid-bite, or even mid-chew. In the event of an accidental or sudden cancellation of a Chicken McNugget experience (otherwise known as dropping), the Buyer may encounter a series of confused or disgusted reactions by those nearby. McDonald’s is in no way responsible for how the Buyer gets out of this awkward situation, but we do offer these fail-proof, fool-proof lines:
- Wow, ha ha, I just sort of panicked and didn’t know what to do next so I just sort of let it... go. That has literally NEVER happened before. I’m sorry you had to see that.
- I’ll get to that later
- Actually, this is for you, you eat this
- Don’t tell anyone about this, please
- Oopsie, Doopsie
- Zoopsie, Poopsie
- Loopsie, Boopsie
- Toopsie, Hoopsie
- Goopsie, Noopsie
- Koopsie, Coopsie
- Yoopsie, Roopsie
- My b
- My c
- My d
- My E (must be shouted)
- My f
- My g
- Oh come on. Don’t look at me that way. Like you ain’t never had a food slip-up before. Like you’ve never been eating at the mall, slurping some soup and misjudged the power of your own mouth vacuum and spilled a little bit of the soup you slurpin’ on your new chinos. Now you gotta walk around the mall with slurpie soup slacks, ‘cause you were so excited to wear your new chinos out the mall that day. We’ve all been there. It’s a normal human thing to have happened to you, so don’t look at me like I’m weird. Ol’ No Soup Pants over here. Man, why you watching a stranger eat anyways? You got Chicken McNuggets of your own you ain’t eating. Getting all room temperature. Matter fact, give me them Chicken McNuggets.
TRANSFER OF OWNERSHIP
If, after trying the new surprisingly tasty Spicy Chicken McNuggets, the Chicken McNugget customer decides that yes, indeed, the spicy kick is just a little too much for them, they may transfer the ownership of the Spicy Chicken McNuggets to a nearby friend, family member, spouse or dining companion. This is not to be confused with transfer of Spicesurance coverage.
Ownership may be transferred by passing across the table, sliding across the counter, just plain handing a Chicken McNugget to someone, an overhand plop, an underhand toss or an elaborate game of hide-and-seek. Chewing up a Chicken McNugget and then transferring it to another is not at all recommended unless the customer is a mother bird and is giving ownership to their offspring.
In the event that someone claims ownership of a Spicy Chicken McNugget without the prior consent of the original owner – otherwise known as stealing or quote-unquote “sneaking a Chicken McNugget” – the original owner of the Spicy Chicken McNugget is completely within their rights to give a dirty look, evil glare or even the dreaded tsk-tsk fingers to the Chicken McNugget criminal. Moreover, a proper and legal recourse that may be taken in this case is that the original owner may “borrow” the appropriate corresponding amount of World Famous Fries® from said thief.
Using the widely known Brussels Food Accords, 5 fries is an equivocal amount of compensation for one Chicken McNugget. Moreoverandfurtherinsteadofwith, because of the added deliciousness of spice in Spicy Chicken McNuggets, the original owner is reasonably within their bounds to up this amount to 6 fries for each Spicy Chicken McNugget with the extra fry counting as payback for the extra flavor kick.
EXPORT LAW CONTROL (Otherwise known as sharing on the socials)
In the event that a client consumes McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets and feels the overpowering urge to inform the world of their feelings towards the tiny marvels, multimedia documentation is permitted. In the event that video is taken during such a moment, these are the export formats that may be used: .mpeg, .xvid, .mov, wmv, .qt (you cutie), .flv (short for “flavor”, the most widely used tele-taste conversion format), .swf, .264, .265, .avi, .”AAAAAY”vi, .mkv, or .avchd.
In the event of sharing an audio file, the following may be used: .mp3, .mp4, .mp5, .mp6, .mp7, .mp8, .mp9., .yel, or .shout.
PLEASE NOTE YOU MAY NOT USE THE .MP1 AND .MP2 FORMATS TO DOCUMENT THE McDONALD’S SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGETS. FAILURE TO ADHERE TO THIS CLAUSE WILL BE CAUSE FOR IMMEDIATE ROASTING FROM YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY DUE TO THOSE BEING OUTDATED FORMATS THAT WON’T WORK ON THE SOCIALS.
Proclamatory posts regarding McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets are subject to McDonald’s strict time limitations. Audio-visual media may only range from a minimum .45 seconds to a maximum of 193,579,927.99 seconds (3,226,332.13 minutes/53,772.20 hours/2240.51 days/ 320.07 weeks/73.66 months/6.14 years).
The Chicken McNugget Eater assumes full responsibility for data rates and services during the aforementioned videos. They also assume full responsibility for the upkeep and maintaining of cell phone battery life during this recording. McDonald’s assumes no responsibility for any side-eyes garnered from external parties while taking this potentially 6-year-long video.
Should the Customer take a video that lasts longer than 1 week proclaiming their love for McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets, they are by extension agreeing that this is now their “thing” and to be referred to by their friends as, “Yeah, they’re my friend that really likes McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets… and look, bruh, don’t get me wrong, those Chicken McNuggets are good. I get them all the time since they came out, but [INSERT CUSTOMER NAME] really wanted to spread the word, and just never stopped.”
Should a Buyer wish to embark on the 6-year venture to document their fervor for flavor found in the McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNugget, it is recommended by the writers of this document that they consider Food needs, Hydration, A map of public and private bathrooms in the immediate area, Selfie stick options, tripod option, proper three point lighting setups, audio capture equipment, etc. Basically if you’re gonna go for it, know what you’re getting into, dude.
Spicesurance is valid on and only on September 16, 2020. Otherwise known as the 260th day of the year, the 7564th day of the century, or National School Backpack Awareness Day. If one would like to use Spicesurance on a day that falls past September 16, 2020, one would have to partake in time travel. As of this writing, the concept of time travel is purely science fiction though certain physicists have posited that it is indeed physically possible. If it is possible, future McDonald’s customers who would like to use Spicesurance have the following 20 seconds to come forth from the future and declare that they would like to participate starting…now.
15 seconds left…
10 seconds left, future time travelers…
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
With no future Spicy Chicken McNugget wanters declaring themselves here, it is therefore and furthermore acknowledged that Spicesurance is only valid on September 16, 2020.
If the weather is too bad or there is a cataclysmic event that precludes anyone from being able to order Spicy Chicken McNuggets on September 16, 2020, that is unfortunate but, let’s face it, par for the course for the year of 2020.
SECTION SIX: SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET EXEMPTIONS
This lettered section defines situations which may affect the perceived spiciness and therefore would cause an exemption from a formal and accurate assessment of spicy satisfaction.
A: If the spice-seeker is attempting to ingest the Spicy Chicken McNuggets under water. Not only would water have a derogatory effect on the crunch, additionally it would dilute the spiciness significantly. Although there have been no formal tests involved, it’s reasonable to assume that a shark could smell a Spicy Chicken McNugget up to two miles away. Therefore, it is specifically to be known that Spicesurance does not insure against shark attacks.
Examples of Chicken McNugget water scenarios to be avoided:
- Snack while snorkeling
- In the bathtub*
- In the swimming pool while doing the tea party thing when you sit on the bottom of the pool floor and drink pretend tea and eat actual Spicy Chicken McNuggets.
*An above-water bathtub scenario is completely acceptable, quite enjoyable and would still fall under the conditions of Spicesurance.
B: If the spice-seeker has exceptionally bad seasonal allergies, resulting in a clogged nose and an inability to smell. This could have a significant effect on the perceived spice of the Spicy Chicken McNuggets, however the allergies would have to be really bad. Like one of those clogged nose days where you can’t say your R’s and have to carry around a box of tissues all day. Conversely, although it has not been proven, the Spicy Chicken McNuggets might possibly aid in clearing out the sinuses. This is just a hunch though, not guaranteed. As of the printing of this document, there is no “clear your sinuses insurance”.
C: If the spice-seeker has an abnormal tolerance to spice, a calloused tongue, or is a failed fire-breather who is currently on worker’s comp.
D: If the spice-seeker is strictly trying Spicy Chicken McNuggets to get a “content creation mansion” and all the verification, followers, and views that come with said content creation mansion.
E: If the spice-seeker is a poltergeist. This has been known to occur when someone has passed on unexpectedly without being fully satiated in terms of their spice levels. These spice-seeking entities will haunt the Spicy Chicken McNuggets in desperation to ingest them in the hopes that their spice levels will be fulfilled and they can finally rest in peace. Unfortunately, the Spicy Chicken McNuggets can only be ingested by the living at the time of the printing of this document.
SECTION SIX AND A HALF: NON-WAVER
After the Buyer’s first time consuming McDonald’s new Spicy Chicken McNuggets, they are thereforthforasandif required to politely wave at anyone else they happen to see enjoying McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets. Those that fail to do so will be known herein as Non-Wavers. There is no physical or monetary punishment for being a Non-Waver, but it is our hope that the knowledge of failing to provide another Chicken McNugget Eater with a polite hand wave will cause slight and uncomfortable moral anguish.
The Buyer may lose their Non-Waver status if they commit to waving to people they see enjoying McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets twice as hard as normal for the duration of time that they spent being selfish and not waving. At which point, the subliminal weight will be lifted from their shoulders and they can continue on with their lives knowing deep down they’ve righted an implicit wrong.
SECTION SEVEN: SURVIVAL & SEVERABILITY
Whilst eating the revamped goodness of a six (6) piece new McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets, a Buyer may feel the desire to sever connections with the modern world, exiling themselves into their closest forest, desert, or empty soccer field and survive off the land, only emerging from their self-assumed ostracism to return to their nearest McDonald’s for another order of Chicken McNuggets.
Such behavior is strongly discouraged: the Buyer has people in their life that love them and want to know their whereabouts, and to deprive them of that all for some Chicken McNuggets (however dopely delicious they may be) wouldn’t be cool. Eat the Chicken McNuggets but take care of the folks around you, okay?
SECTION 8: KNOCK KNOCK
SECTION 9: WHO’S THERE?
SECTION 10: SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET
SECTION 11: SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET WHO?
SECTION 12: SPICY CHICKEN McNUGGET. C’MON YOU KNOW ME MAN.
SECTION 13: FORCE MAJEURE
There are times where an unforeseeable act happens upon the Buyer, and their access to McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets may be cut off. While not liable for replacement, McDonald’s sends its deepest apologies to those that may lose Spicy Chicken McNuggets to reasons including but not limited to:
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets on the floor.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into a pool of water.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into any sort of pool.
- Accidentally picking up a classic Chicken McNugget because you’ve decided to mix the two up. We see you. Livin’ on the edge.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into your lap.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into your friends lap.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into your enemy’s lap.
- Dropping Spicy Chicken McNuggets into your lap again.
- Ol’ Butterfingers Spicy Chicken McNugget over here, y’all.
- An earthquake opens up a hole right underneath your Spicy Chicken McNuggets and they fall through.
- An unexpected jump scare comes out of nowhere and makes you spill Spicy Chicken McNuggets all over your brand new slacks.
- A seagull swoops in and steals your Spicy Chicken McNugget from your hand with a loud “BKAAAAAAW!” (It happens more often than you’d think).
- Biting into a Spicy Chicken McNugget-shaped chunk of limestone. Limestone? You look up, how did you get to the local QUARRY? How long have you been eating these Spicy Chicken McNuggets, Rob? Rob! Rob, I need you to answer me. How long have you been eating these McDonald’s New Spicy Chicken McNuggets. What is your last name Rob? Who is the President, Rob?
- Sudden onset case of lockjaw.
SECTION 14.334: VISUAL METAPHORS
McDonald’s is sensitive to the fact that some customers may need visualization references to truly understand the nature of Spicy Chicken McNuggets and Spicesurance.
Here’s a visualization:
You’re at a campfire. A fox surprises the group. You jump back in surprise and stumble into the fire. It burns you only slightly, but your love interest massages away the flame and you are indescribably satisfied. The slightly burned, massaged area is analogous to your taste buds in this example and the presence of your love interest would be the Spicesurance.
You’re a tiger. Neglected by your family, you’ve found a new home at the circus. It’s your first big performance. Your tough tiger childhood has also made you desperate for outside validation. The ringleader nods at you. This is your big moment. You step forward and, upon his command, jump perfectly and beautiously through three rings of fire. The crowd rises to their feet in effusive affection and admiration. You feel invigorated and fully seen. In this analogy, your tastebuds are the tiger. The cheering crowd is the Spicesurance.
You are a high school basketball player with average ability. You’ve been mostly unhelpful this season, though not a full-fledged hamper to the team, mainly just unremarkable. However your short-comings, your team managed to make it to the playoffs. The game is tied, and you get put-in in order to relieve a stronger player who has been out there the entire game. Just as you are dribbling down the court, the entire gym goes up in flames. Why? We don’t know.
Everyone in the stadium and on the court manages to get out, yet you maintain your dribble and make a final basket before escaping just as a wood beam collapses behind you. Your team, waiting for you in the parking lot, lifts you onto their shoulders. In this analogy, your taste buds are the wood beam, aflame and destroyed. Your team is Spicesurance.
You’re a fireman. In this analogy, your tastebuds are the fireman’s tastebuds. They have a perpetual spiciness to them from years of working around fires. In this case we don’t even need to consider Spicesurance because the fireman likes hot. He lives for hot. He’s a fourth generation fireman so it’s in his blood. He wouldn’t dream of using Spicesurance. Also his name is Jack. That’s not important but you should just know him by name.
SECTION 15: OPTING OUT
To opt out of Spicesurance, one need only indicate verbally that one would be interested in ordering another item from the McDonald’s menu that’s not Spicy Chicken McNuggets. Spicesurance is not available for those not participating in it. One does not become insured via standing and making a declaration that they are now. No. To be insured, Spicesurance must be obtained in the McDonald’s App. Also, the Spicesurance agreement remains intact regardless how read or pronounced. Accidentally pronouncing it Spice (IN)surance does not render it null and void. Same if pronounced as Spicy Surance, Spisurance or Carol.
SECTION 16: NON ISSUES
The following circumstances do not affect the legality of this agreement.
- Where the Chicken McNugget is placed in the container:
If a certain Spicy Chicken McNugget is on top of a container or on the bottom of the container, this is a non-issue and does not affect the flavor, the nutritional content or the experience of any Chicken McNugget, regardless of spice level. It has no effect on Spicesurance.
- Which hand is used to eat Chicken McNuggets.
Chicken McNuggets are not a food intended for right- or left-handed insureds only. Chicken McNuggets are eaten with either hand or a utensil if this is preferred by the aforementioned person engaging in the agreement. In short, the manner in which the Chicken McNugget enters the mouth from its container is a non-issue.
- With whom the Spicy Chicken McNugget is being eaten.
This has no bearing on the Spicesurance agreement. Spicesurance may be witnessed by any and all parties close or near to the insured. The viewing of the eating of the Chicken McNugget from a person in a neighboring building is a non-issue but somewhat creepy.
- The word “what?”
Another non-issue is the word “what.” The insured may repeat the word what at any amount or manner the insured deems necessary. Spicesurance is not involved with governing the repetition of the word “what.” At the same token, Spicesurance is unable to stop, aggravate, or impede the repetition of the word so that a spice-seeker may say it as many times and in as many ways as they deem necessary: What? What? What? What? What? Whhhaaa? Whaaaaaaaaaaa? Wat?
SECTION 16.2 USING SPICESURANCE WHEN EATING ALONE
There is no denial of use should any Chicken McNugget Eater be consuming delicious Chicken McNuggets by themselves. This is nothing to be ashamed of or bothered by. There is no Host or Hostess who is going to repeat back to you, “table for one?”, even though you JUST SAID ‘table for one’. And frankly, sometimes people are in a city for a conference where they were the speaker and use their per diem to grab a bite to eat by themselves. They aren’t lonely. They are just alone. And are hungry. That is fine. In conclusion, there is no denial of use if eating Chicken McNuggets by yourself.
SECTION 16.22 USING SPICESURANCE WHEN EATING WITH OTHERS
In the case that you are eating with others, it is not necessary for every person you are communing with to partake of the Spicy Chicken McNuggets. If Luke has a thing about foods that aren’t in rigid shapes, like it’s a thing where he can’t eat any foods that have rounded corners and must have sharp corners like crackers or waffles or granola bars and so he decides he might not want to try a Chicken McNugget until you convince his girlfriend to just bite off the rounded corners of the Chicken McNugget so it looks more square with sharper edges and then he decides to try it, so clearly he doesn’t have a thing about eating after other people which Giselle, who is there with you totally does, and so she’s a tiny bit skeeved by it all but not so much that she won’t try a Spicy Chicken McNugget of her own. If that happens, Spicesurance is in effect for any and all Spicy Chicken McNugget purchasers.
SECTION 16.222 USING SPICESURANCE WHEN PLANNING ON EATING CHICKEN McNUGGETS BY YOURSELF BUT THEN SURPRISED BY OTHERS
Should a Chicken McNugget Eater have procured an amount of Spicy Chicken McNuggets for themselves with the expectation that they would be eating Chicken McNuggets alone, only to then be surprised by a group of friends, or relatives, or their very own children and have the question raised of whether a Spicy Chicken McNugget may be available for consumption by a second, third of fourth party by an interjection of, “Can I have one?” it is the sole right of the Primary Chicken McNugget Eater to decide whether they should want to withhold a Chicken McNugget from any parties engaging in said inquiry and that they are in fact, “stingy as hell,” or if they should want to share their Chicken McNuggets, only to find that more parties partake and enjoy the Spicy Chicken McNuggets and call more people over, and suddenly they only have like two Chicken McNuggets left and they realize those parties are actually, “greedy as hell.” McDonald’s cannot be held responsible for the result of your charitable Chicken McNugget nature. But we really do applaud you for it.
SECTION 16.2222 USING SPICESURANCE WHEN PLANNING ON EATING CHICKEN McNUGGETS WITH OTHERS BUT THEY CANCEL AND NOW YOU HAVE SEEMINGLY FAR TOO MANY CHICKEN McNUGGETS
On the occasion of a planned get-together with other Chicken McNugget Eaters, Purchaser brings enough Spicy Chicken McNuggets for all parties set to attend to enjoy only to find out that the light on Sheila’s dashboard wasn’t the one about her tires needing air but was instead an oil can, and she blew out her engine on the way over, like black smoke and everything. And she was driving everyone over to your place leaving you a sole Chicken McNugget Eater with a seemingly surplus of Spicy Chicken McNuggets (a) we contend that you can never have too many Spicy Chicken McNuggets (b) leftovers are encouraged (c) knock on any door nearby, someone will want some.
SECTION 17: DISCLAIMERS
Disclaimers are meant to provide a reason to say “null and void”, which are two fun words that often go together. Interestingly enough, “null” is more often dependent on being paired with “void” than “void” is dependent on null. Have you noticed that? Null rarely stands alone but void is common alone. I wonder if that hurts null’s feeling. That’s a tangent. I apologize.
Void where prohibited which goes without saying, right?
That’s a classic in terms of disclaimers.
But here’s the good news, not-void where not prohibited. Sooo...that’s good news, right?
Offer is subject to change. Meaning you may pay for your Spicy Chicken McNuggets with change. Including but not limited to pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, Half Dollars, Susan B. Anthony dollars and Sacagewea dollars.
SECTION 18: NON-NON-DISCLOSURE CLAUSE
The Non-Non-Disclosure Clause is specifically in reference to who can be told about how great the new Spicy Chicken McNuggets taste and what a great deal Spicesurance is. Pursuant to a common understanding but not limited to a literal definition the answer to whom a Chicken McNugget Eater is required to non-non-disclose the greatness of Spicesurance and Spicy Chicken McNuggets is in short, EVERYONE.
Yes, while we cannot guarantee or enforce that each Chicken McNugget Eater be required to tell every person on the planet specifically about Spicesurance, we contend that in this context, EVERYONE is basically a “personal” EVERYONE, in so far as, EVERYONE who that individual can be reasonably expected to reach or contact about how fantastic these new Spicy Chicken McNuggets are.
To further clarify, when we say reach or contact, yes, we do mean digging deep into the Social Media barrel.
For example, that friend from 3rd and 4th grade who sat two desks over, and one time loaned you their pencil case because yours ripped on the zipper on your backpack when you pulled it out too fast and you used theirs for the whole week and you remember you both liked two of the same cartoon characters and one of those characters who you can’t remember now, but you really loved it was ON that pencil case. YES! EVEN THAT FRIEND on Social Media counts as part of the EVERYONE we want you to non-non-disclose to how terrific you think Spicesurance and Spicy Chicken McNuggets are.
And to be clear, there is no distinction to what can classify as EVERYONE and if any part of any individual’s EVERYONE should be privy to the non-non-disclosed information of the deliciousness of Spicy Chicken McNuggets or the zero-fault benefit of Spicesurance. EVERYONE that ANY Chicken McNugget Eater knows should be non-non-disclosed to includes but is not limited to:
- All family members (who get their own)
- Your friend
- Your other friend
- Your exes (sorry)
- That upstairs neighbor who drops dumbbells in the middle of the night
- The person down the street with six dogs
- The person down the street with six dogs and three cats
- The two friends who ate the extremely hot pepper
- Your insert-app-name-here driver
- Your bartender
- Your cousin who’s not actually your cousin but you don’t know what else to call them
- That guy who keeps sending you club promotions
- That guy who never lets you in the club
- People who cosplay said mutants
- Cosplayers in general
- Your reflection in the mirror
SECTION 19: WHAT THE SPICESURANCE IS NOT
Spicesurance gets you savory, juicy, golden-y delicious Chicken McNuggets, whether you want them spicy or classic. It is not a legal promise that the Chicken McNugget seeker will emerge from this interaction as a better person though that is rightfully assumed to be likely. It is also not technically a self-help promise or program. The key to being a better you is for you to just be more you. That said, you trying Spicy Chicken McNuggets is a better you than if you had not tried Spicy Chicken McNuggets because even if they aren’t for you – now you know they aren’t for you – and so you are a better you because you know you better now.
SECTION WHATEVER NUMBER WE’RE ON: ADVERSE EFFECTS
This section details the possible adverse or negative effects a spice-seeker may experience by finally having their spice craving satisfied.
Due to the superior nature of the Spicy Chicken McNuggets some people may experience something called “No Other Spice Can Live Up to the Delicious Spice in Spicy Chicken McNuggets” Syndrome.
In layman’s terms, it is a general de-sensitization of other, more inferior spice offerings. Things like table pepper and taco sauce may be rendered disappointing. Spicesurance does not cover the malaise associated with this desensitization.
Distress caused by the solitary confinement of having such delicious food that you don’t want to share is not covered with Spicesurance. If you find that your social acumen muscle is atrophying due to the primal urge to not share your Spicy Chicken McNuggets, your Spicesurance will not cover any costs of you regaining your mojo or your ability to once again be charming or interact with others in a positive way. Spicesurance does NOT cover ballroom dancing lessons. Although the Spicy Chicken McNuggets tend to trigger a “lion in its den with a fresh leg of meat” reaction, Spicesurance is in no way responsible for the social awkwardness that may result from this reaction.
Spicesurance will NOT cover any costs associated with the claimee being overall cooler due to increased confidence spawning from their tastebuds feeling completely self-actualized and fulfilled. For example, if the claimee now feels confident enough to drive a more dangerous vehicle, Spicesurance will not cover the costs of the new car, EVEN IF the car is a red convertible shaped like a shoe that you intend to name “Ronald.”
For the same reasons outlined above, Spicesurance will NOT cover oven mitts for your tongue, or additional coverage for clothes to make you look as hot as your lunch.
In conclusion, though this document has attempted to be as exhaustive as possible in its description of Spicesurance, it really just boils down to this.
Try the new McDonald’s Spicy Chicken McNuggets on September 16th. If you love spice, Spicesurance gets you an extra 6 Spicy Chicken McNuggets. If you think the spice may too much for you, Spicesurance has your back with 6 classic Chicken McNuggets.
They’re craveable, delicious, and free—so you have nothing to lose.
About McDonald’s USA
McDonald’s USA, LLC, serves a variety of menu options made with quality ingredients to nearly 25 million customers every day. Ninety-five percent of McDonald’s 14,000 U.S. restaurants are independently owned and operated by businessmen and women. For more information, visit www.mcdonalds.com, or follow us on Twitter @McDonalds and Facebook. www.facebook.com/mcdonalds.
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